In the near future, I will be offering a workshop on how to use yoga (breath, movement and mindfulness) to manage and lift the weightiness of depression. Details TBA. I thought this moment would be a great time to post with regards to this subject because I am currently in the middle of a depressive state. Let me tell you what this feels like:
It feels like I am wearing skates in a lake. My heart feels like it is sitting, all hundred pounds of it, at the bottom of my chest, on my diaphragm (making breathing more of an effort.) I look at what I have to do, what I should do (like laundry, the dishes, update my business cards, eat lunch) and I just. Don’t. Do. It. It feels like a force is keeping me from being productive. Keeping me from doing anything, except show up for my students and my dog.
This is what depression feels like. It feels like you are trying to walk, shin deep in mud. The things that usually excite you and lift you out of a bad mood are no longer enticing. You’re like “yeah, whatever, i guess.” And it SUCKS. Because if you are like me, you have been putting so much work and energy towards re-writing your day to day story, you started to have more happy days than sad days, and you were feeling stoked about it. So now, this feeling, this is not what I want. Yet it is here. It is back again. A feeling I have known so well since I was 10; that for so long I thought defined who I was.
OK so here I am. Now what? I have done yoga, meditated, ate a few healthy meals in a row. Spent time with my love and my dog. Connected with friends via text and class. The list goes on, and I am still here. I think the solution is surrender and yet I can’t (as of now.) I feel like if I do the stuff, the feeling will go away. But it doesn’t always work that way. So all you people who think your depressed friends “just have to…..xyz” Not the most helpful advice.
I will tell you what I am going to do. I am going to keep taking this one day at a time. Like a cold, it will pass, as it has before. And like a cold, you can’t will it away. So I am working towards surrender, acceptance, and grace. If I am anything, I am sensitive but tough. And for my depresseds out there: do what you can to take care of yourself, but most importantly be patient with the passing of time.